What If?

Oh boy, my heart speeds up a bit when I hear one of the kids start a question with "what if". Chloe and I were running errands this afternoon and out of the blue she said, "What if you and Dad died? Would me and the boys be split up?" I assured her that there would be people who love her to take care of her and the boys. I also assured her that even if they were split up, that they would certainly get to see each other often. Hoping that she would feel reassured that they would always remain a family.

Her response? "I don't want to live with the boys anymore!"

Well, that wasn't what I was expecting, but I really don't know why I didn't see it coming. Chloe has continually taken the brunt of Beck's frustration and anger. As much as Steve and I try to protect her, we just can't be in the right place at the right time, every second. I reminded Chloe that maybe it would never be easy between her and Beck, but that it certainly has gotten better than it used to be.

It took so long to get a diagnosis of Asperger's for Beck. When we did, all of the pieces fell into place. The hour-long rages, the high level of frustration, misunderstanding people's intentions, not knowing how to make friends, and his consistent level of immaturity. There were many other things that we just didn't know fit into this syndrome. Beck obsesses over liquid glue and picking dried glue off of things. We can't go past the glue aisle in Walmart without him having to stop and pick at the top of every bottle of glue. He is mesmerized by it and I have to drag him away. Who knew I would someday know what aisle the school glue is in every store? I can live with those little quirks, they can even be endearing. Just like his love of blankets and being wrapped in one constantly when we're home.

But the thing we have been most concerned about is the anger and frustration level. I found myself thankful to be able to talk with Chloe and remind her of how much better Beck has been than how he used to be. It is a blessing to realize how far he has come. The rages have mostly stopped and certainly are few and far between. Unlike the daily tirades we would all have to endure. He is maturing, at his own rate.

Asperger's has had a hold over our family for a long time. We have felt as though we have been held hostage to it. I am so grateful that God has put caregivers into place when we have needed them. One of my constant prayers for the children is that He will put people into their lives who can give them what Steve and I are not able to give them. Be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or intellectual help and support. He has continued to do that.

Blessings.