Loser-Mobile

My air conditioner went out in my car a few days ago. This is the 3rd time we have had to replace the compressor. I couldn't take it in until today because I needed it for work Tues. & Wed. I did take it to Kar King on Monday and they told me it was the compressor, so I wasn't able to just put more freon in it. When I left Kar King there was a strange new noise coming from my engine. It sounded like a diesel truck. It's gotten worse over the last few days. Talk about feeling like a loser! I'm driving in the summer heat with the windows down and a loud clunky noise coming from the engine. I think Chloe was even embarrassed. When I took her to school the other day she asked me to roll up her window. I don't think she wanted anyone to see her.

I am often overwhelmed physically with my limited amount of energy due to my Lupus, and then when I throw this wet blanket of loserness on top of that I just want to crawl into a hole and hide. Today I don't feel like I deserve anything better. I don't feel like the children have what they need from a Mother and it's all I can do to get ready for my class tonight which I am committed to. Otherwise, I would just let it all slide.

I know this will pass, but it always seems close surfacing. It keeps me from becoming a part of life, from giving of myself.

R